Down to three

Down to three cigarettes, and already the anxiety has hit me. I keep .looking at the pack of cigarettes next to me actually checking the box to see if I am truly down to just three cigarettes. I'm questioning whether or not I will fall again. When that thought of not having another cigarette crosses my mind, where will I be? In my car going to the store down the street, or in my room biting my nails contemplating the idea of smoking or to not smoke. I hate this gut wrenching feeling of overwhelming pressure. How could have let something like this-smoking-take over me, mentally? I shake my head that this is not me, convincing myself that I am so much stronger than this, that I will prevail.

#prayingfaithfully

TODAY IS THE DAY ~PREPARING TO QUIT~

I have gone back and forth with trying to quit smoking. Each time I have quit smoking, I lied to my family and friends that I quit smoking only to start back up again within less than a few months of actually quitting. I feel bad when I start back, hiding from people, the lies. My daughter who is now 13 years old, I was hiding my smoking even from her, but she wasn't stupid, I'm not really sure if I am really hiding my smoking habits from my family and friends or not, do they know I am still smoking? I wonder if they can smell the cigarette smoke on me, how dumb do I look if they already know . I am ashamed that I came so far to fail. I tried really hard to quit in July of 2009. I went through it all for two months I quit, no smoking. I started back up with cigar smoking, thought it was better that way, hey it wasn't a cigarette, I thought, trying to convince myself what I was doing was OK. Deep down inside I know I am only hurting myself, and my daughter. I think about dying, leaving her at an early age as my mom did to me. She didn't die of cancer, something so much worse-cocaine overdose. Even as I write this, I try so hard to not think of smoking. I think I can stop when I want to, that I'm strong enough, when in reality I am weaker than I've ever been. I started smoking when I was as young as 16 years old. I stole cigarettes from my dad and would sneak out in the backyard to take a drag on a cigarette. I don't even know why I was smoking, maybe I thought it was cool, not sure. I didn't pick it up as a habit until after I had my daughter. I started going out more, drinking when I went out, and smoking. It became my antidote to stress, or so I made myself believe that. Whenever I tried to quit, the habit just kept knocking at my door. The more stressed I got, the easier it was for me to smoke. I am 31 years old, I am a single mother of one, and I want to quit smoking, and help raise awareness while I begin my journey on quitting. The last time I tried to quit I kept a journal of how I was feeling each day that went by, and it was extremely hard, to read how the habit had taken over me, mentally and physically. It's a rough journey, cigarette smoking is an addiction, it weighs you down and it destroys you. I need to quit smoking because I want to quit smoking, its just easier said than done.


Donnetta Williams
C/O 2011