To Quit

To quit. As of Dec 16th I quit cold turkey with one or two smokes only because they were there but after finding out I was pregnant I dumped the few I had left in the pack in my dish water, crumpled up the wet pack in my hand and threw them away. I cant say its been easy, definitely not. For those that say just 'quit' to hell with you for you've never had an addiction and or naive to the fact. So here I am day 13 singing the Celebration song while praying for strength and discipline.

Not to quit...

I guess it would be to not quit. I have smoked regularly since I thought about not quitting. I blame it on everything from being out of work, to being stressed, being bored, to losing my mind if I don't smoke but I know its all about me and my inability to quit smoking. I make ends meet, look for change between sofa cushioning and car seats just to get enough monies to smoke. This is a bunch of foolishness, when will it end. I know it will end when I grow tired of smoking, and spending my last on the hope that I will have one last drag on a cigarette. Each time I get down to that last smoke of the day, I promise myself I will quit. I now owe my daughter over a hundred dollars because I started back smoking like five times since I decided not to smoke ever again. I hate the way my apartment smells, yuck, so now I force myself to go out on the balcony and smoke. I hate that I am causing second hand smoke to those that live with me and enter into my residence...sad yet I keep doing it. Why? This is truly my 2nd addiction a lot more fatal than the 1st and I guess should actually be my first.

Down to three

Down to three cigarettes, and already the anxiety has hit me. I keep .looking at the pack of cigarettes next to me actually checking the box to see if I am truly down to just three cigarettes. I'm questioning whether or not I will fall again. When that thought of not having another cigarette crosses my mind, where will I be? In my car going to the store down the street, or in my room biting my nails contemplating the idea of smoking or to not smoke. I hate this gut wrenching feeling of overwhelming pressure. How could have let something like this-smoking-take over me, mentally? I shake my head that this is not me, convincing myself that I am so much stronger than this, that I will prevail.

#prayingfaithfully

TODAY IS THE DAY ~PREPARING TO QUIT~

I have gone back and forth with trying to quit smoking. Each time I have quit smoking, I lied to my family and friends that I quit smoking only to start back up again within less than a few months of actually quitting. I feel bad when I start back, hiding from people, the lies. My daughter who is now 13 years old, I was hiding my smoking even from her, but she wasn't stupid, I'm not really sure if I am really hiding my smoking habits from my family and friends or not, do they know I am still smoking? I wonder if they can smell the cigarette smoke on me, how dumb do I look if they already know . I am ashamed that I came so far to fail. I tried really hard to quit in July of 2009. I went through it all for two months I quit, no smoking. I started back up with cigar smoking, thought it was better that way, hey it wasn't a cigarette, I thought, trying to convince myself what I was doing was OK. Deep down inside I know I am only hurting myself, and my daughter. I think about dying, leaving her at an early age as my mom did to me. She didn't die of cancer, something so much worse-cocaine overdose. Even as I write this, I try so hard to not think of smoking. I think I can stop when I want to, that I'm strong enough, when in reality I am weaker than I've ever been. I started smoking when I was as young as 16 years old. I stole cigarettes from my dad and would sneak out in the backyard to take a drag on a cigarette. I don't even know why I was smoking, maybe I thought it was cool, not sure. I didn't pick it up as a habit until after I had my daughter. I started going out more, drinking when I went out, and smoking. It became my antidote to stress, or so I made myself believe that. Whenever I tried to quit, the habit just kept knocking at my door. The more stressed I got, the easier it was for me to smoke. I am 31 years old, I am a single mother of one, and I want to quit smoking, and help raise awareness while I begin my journey on quitting. The last time I tried to quit I kept a journal of how I was feeling each day that went by, and it was extremely hard, to read how the habit had taken over me, mentally and physically. It's a rough journey, cigarette smoking is an addiction, it weighs you down and it destroys you. I need to quit smoking because I want to quit smoking, its just easier said than done.


Donnetta Williams
C/O 2011